"As long as I am very still and as long as I breathe shallow breaths, I can make it. You can do it Crenee. Just be still. Don't laugh. Don't sneeze. Don't make any sudden moves. Put your hands on the steering wheel at 10 o'clock and 2 o'clock and just drive. Wait a minute...why am I sweating? It doesn't matter. I just need to make it home. God please let me make it home."
Those were my thoughts when I was in total crisis. In that moment, I realized that if I didn't make it home to the south suburbs of Chicago to my parents and to the hospital, something very, very bad was going to happen to me.
I woke up that morning in Milwaukee, WI feeling especially awful. This was by far the worse day. With every breath I took, it felt like hot, sharp knives were stabbing me in my rib cage. It took me 30 minutes to sit up in bed. For the past 4 weeks, I had to sleep propped up because the pain in my chest was crushing. Sleeping sitting up was the only thing that brought me comfort. I had access to several sample bottles of Alleve before Alleve became an over the counter medicine. I was dating a pharmaceutical sales rep at the time. I was eating the Alleve like candy along with any other over the counter pain reliever. That was the only way that I knew how to take the edge off of my chest pain. As soon as my eyes opened, I was looking for my sample bottles and the cup of water I kept by the bed.
After I very carefully managed to sit all the way up and swing my feet across the bed and put them onto the floor, it probably took me about another 20 minutes to make it from the bed to the bathroom. I was sure to be at least 90 minutes late to work ( at least being the key words). I was on a graduate internship at Wisconsin Electric in the summer of 1998. My morning was off to an abysmal start. To add to my already troubled morning, I had to do the usual morning "maintenance", which was to wash my face, brush my teeth, shower, put on lotion & deodorant, get dressed and flat iron my hair. Yes, the hair had to be straightened and styled. I had just gotten it done at the salon the day before. Clearly, I had my priorities in order. Just thinking about all the simple things that I needed to do to get prepared for my day was exhausting. It made my body & my brain hurt. I cried sitting a the edge of the bed. Then I realized that crying was a very bad idea. It only made my chest and rib cage hurt even worse. I pulled it together quickly.
I had to be careful of every move. I needed to conserve energy. On the way to the bathroom, I realized that I needed to call my manager to tell him that I would be late (again). I had to think long and hard about making that call. I had to use my breaths and my words sparingly. At that point, I couldn't complete a sentence without being exhausted and fully winded. I made the call. My manager didn't sound surprised. He told me to take my time. I almost told him that I was not coming. My performance was suffering and my attendance record had been spotty. I was in the office everyday, but almost never on time and I was leaving early because I wasn't feeling well. Mornings were hard. I did my best to press through everyday even though my condition was worsening. On this day, I knew there would be a reckoning.
While in the bathroom, I had the strangest feeling come over me. To this day, that feeling is very difficult to articulate. The closest I can come to describing the feeling is that it felt like I was going to loose control of my all of my bodily functions. For a split second I almost felt like my spirit was separating from my body. Sounds weird...I know. But that's the best I can do with the description. I continued to press on with my bathroom activities. After all, I had to get to work.
Just 3 days before, I bought my first brand new car straight off the lot when I was home in Chicago for one of my doctor's appointment. Purchasing my first car was a grand accomplish for me. It was my first adult purchase and establishment of credit. I was slated to graduate with my Master's Degree in December of 1998 with a great job offer with some big company. The 1998 Toyota Corolla was my early reward. I made it out of the house and into my brand new car. I was clean, dressed for work and my hair looked very close to what it looked like the day before after I left the salon. Although I felt like death warmed over; although I was moving at a snail's pace, I thought I was looking good in my new car with my freshly done hair.
I arrived at the parking garage in downtown Milwaukee. Because I was 2 hours late arriving at the office, parking wasn't great. I parked far away from my office building several floors up. It took me about 25 minutes to make it from the garage into my building. I had to walk very slowly. I had to stop and rest along the way. My chest was pounding. I could hardly breathe. Sweat was rolling down my back. I pressed on. There was also a small flight of stairs to conquer. I sat on the steps to think about how I was going to make it in the building and to my desk. I was thinking to myself, "This is ridiculous! What is wrong with me." It felt like I was running a marathon, but I finally made it to my desk.
Once I sat down, I had to catch my breath. I sat at my desk for a few minutes. I collected my thoughts. Out of all the effort I put forth that morning to get ready to come in to work, it abruptly dawned on me that I should have been on the way to the hospital-not to work. I picked up the phone. I called my mom. I told my mother that I was getting ready to leave Milwaukee and drive home. I couldn't believe that I was saying it. I felt like I had stepped outside of myself. I did my best not to alarm her. I didn't give much information and I certainly didn't tell my mom that I was as bad off as I was. I was calm, cool and I told her I was coming home to go to the doctor again. I didn't have a cell phone then, so I wanted her to know just when to expect me. I assured my mom as best as I could that I was well enough to drive. I hung up the phone. I had to catch my breath once again. I had to collect my thoughts again. Then, I walked slowly over to the desk of my manager. I looked him in his eyes. I said, "I am leaving. I am going home & check myself into the hospital. I am very ill and I'm pretty sure that I will not return to Milwaukee and complete this internship."
Don't ask me why I chose to drive from Milwaukee to Chicago in that condition. I had my reasons. As I reflect back with the wisdom of my full adulthood and with my "parent hat" on, that decision officially ranks among the top 3 unintelligent things I've ever done in my life. Jesus was guiding the wheel.....
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